This is 30

 

I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself in a number of areas of my life to achieve certain things. For things to look a certain way and to feel like I have to be at certain places by points; and as I leave this decade I think I’m realising that following arbitrary social timelines mean so little in the grand scheme of things (which I know we’re told again and again, but guys! On the other side- I promise you it’s true).

In my twenties I interned- and felt like a grown up buying lunch at Pret and browsing Topshop on Oxford Circus each morning (important). I started freelancing for myself and others, made my blog my full time career, moved out, launched a podcast with one of my best friends, started a second platform (TIGC guys ‘n’ gals), wrote a book (!), grew my ‘team’, moved into my first home, got engaged, got married, had a baby, made it through a pandemic, had a big breakup, found confidence doing things solo and juggled working, parenting and navigating what this next chapter of my life looks like too. I ‘ticked’ a lot of the ‘milestone’ boxes we’re told to tick, and then unticked a handful before I could fully exhale. I dated for the first time in my life, had to do a lot of deep diving, and looked at what my life online looked like whilst trying to navigate a struggle for structure whilst in the throes of lots of different things.

I’d like to say I’ve grown thicker skin, but I don’t think I have yet. I’m still incredibly soft, sensitive and acutely aware of what the periphery around me looks like at all times- and actually, I think that’s okay. Last year I did more growing in 12 months than I have in years (at times I’m almost certain I could have looked in the mirror and seen a 5″11 woman looking back at me) so perhaps there’s room in this next chapter for that. Worrying less, but not so little I lose the ability to tune in to how others are feeling- but being able to keep growing, trusting myself and being present too. I am the achingly proudest mama in the world and if I’ve learnt anything in the last couple of years it’s that all that matters is trying your best at being a good person. Sometimes you’ll get it right, sometimes you won’t.

You don’t have to give all of you away either; whether that’s on the internet, in relationships or anything else. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, really. If you know yourself, that’s what matters- and I truly feel like I’m getting to know her (does that sound weird? Because it sounded poetic in my head). It also ultimately doesn’t matter if strangers on the internet have the same taste in things as you. It’s not your choice if people choose to spend their time around things they don’t enjoy, so try not to worry when you can.

We’re all trying to exist with as few regrets as possible, but one thing I know is that if you’re attempting to navigate life through kindness, silliness and your best intentions, you can’t go too far wrong. Fork in the roads won’t always be bad things and there’s often magic to be found when you least expect it (ain’t I just realising that). Plus, even if life throws you a wild card, shakes things up a little and you feel a bit dishevelled more often than you don’t- I promise, you’ll surprise yourself.

I’m not totally sure where to end this stream of sentimentality (I’m currently standing in the kitchen waiting for my express fake tan to develop, just for a beautiful visual to accompany- in case you thought I was wistfully gazing out of my window by candlelight or something). But thank you for sticking by and listening for all this time. I’ve been writing on here for just over half of my adult life, and although  in some ways I’m not the beehived teenager who was often brazen, carefree and very happy to march around in bright tights and music (sometimes) playing from her phone- I hope she’d be proud of where I am now, and where the next decade might take us.

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