The Mothers Meeting Series: My Postnatal Experience

 

Anyway- I guess I wanted to write a post that I know I would have liked to read in those hazy post birth days. The days where you expect to be wrapped up in a cosy safe bubble of freshly washed muslins, homemade and hand delivered lasagnes and visitors and flowers- which is brilliant if you have, and sometimes feels a little bit unexpected when things don’t pan out that way.

I think there’s a lot of pressure for a gorgeous bubble-like experience after birth, and for me; I felt enormous guilt that I didn’t experience that immediately. Okay my birth had looked different to the one I’d perhaps imagined, but I hadn’t even considered how varied the postnatal experience could be too. Perhaps this was a huge oversight on my part, but I think I was so swept up in the fact I hadn’t changed a nappy since my Tiny Tears demanded it of me or ever had to prepare a bottle to consider what might happen beyond getting home; whenever that might be.  

 

I’d heard about preeclampsia, but nobody had mentioned post eclampsia and hypertension. I spent hours digging into Google to find out how I could lower blood pressure overnight (tip: Dr. Liv realised taking out your contact lenses won’t lower it, guys)- and it was in those days following the birth I felt I’d been ever so slightly robbed of the baby bubble and the gentle entrance we’d so anticipated.

But I know we were lucky. We had support, and care, and were checked in on, and I know so many other brilliant women that had impossibly challenging situations after birth too- it’s so much more common than I could have anticipated; but goodness I just wish our NCT class could have touched on those days following too. The heady magic mixed with the mighty overwhelm that might rear it’s head too. The awareness of knowing how normal it is to be in hospital for a little while to help iron out any early day bumps, and how common all of these things are. How it’s okay to feel the loneliness, even with a network; the exhaustion of 2am feeds and the guilt for finding it difficult when you don’t have a difficult baby. It’s the weight of when someone says ‘this is supposed to be the most magical time’ when you’ve had rolling weeks of challenges and doctors calls and pharmacy visits; and the guilt of wondering why this magical time feels hard because you have the most magical small precious bean who you love more than anything and are so, so lucky to have. So lucky. It’s because things can be hard- life is hard. The juggle; christ the juggle. It’s hard. It won’t always be, but it is and can be- and that’s okay.

As silly as it sounds, at the time of feeling this last year I felt like the first woman in the world to be going through these things. It was only afterwards, chatting with friends who already had children; did I realise that so many have had experiences not so dissimilar themselves.

Motherhood is the single most special thing that’s happened to me; but it’s also like learning a brand new job on the day you start. It’s moving into accounting when you’ve never seen numbers before, heading up a kitchen when you’ve never so much as made a slice of toast. It’s a lot; but it’s possible and gets easier each day. The challenges change and evolve with time, but like a job you’ve been doing for years, you feel confident in your experience- to the point soon you’re pretty irreplaceable at the role, which is saying something indeed.

x